I’m feeling a lot of feelings today. Maybe it’s because my time since being in Oz continues stretching further and further away until it feels like nothing more than a happy dream. Maybe it’s because life goes on, reality hits, and you know that you have responsibilities and obligations back home. And maybe it’s because a newly minted American group has currently just arrived in my second home, ready to live in my Australian community and make friends with my Australian friends and experience all of the things that I would give anything to experience again.
I am elated for this new group. Ecstatic. I would wish for everyone to have the wonder of experiencing this marvelous country that I dearly love. But once again, there is that weird torn feeling of jealousy warring inside of me. I wish it were me going back. The majority of my time spent in the US so far as consisted of me trying to find ways to leave again, to go back to the place that calls to my heart.
This new season, this “time after Oz,” almost in some ways feels more trying than my season of being there or in preparation to go. I’ve had a feeling welling up inside me, and I don’t know what exactly it is — I don’t think I would call it discontent, necessarily. I am fortunate that God has allowed me a cheeriness and a joy no matter where I have landed in life so far. But maybe simply a longing? A sense that I am not where I should be? And this feeling has settled in my heart, heavy and burdensome, these last few weeks. But especially now, because I know that life moves on and new people move in. Things will happen in the lives of the people I care about abroad, but I no longer have the privilege of being a part of it. And I don’t know when I ever will again, because who can say where God will take me in my future? There is almost this frustrating feeling of incompleteness as well, because I started forming so many good relationships that could have grown so much deeper. But time just runs out sometimes.
This season also means trusting God in new ways. I suddenly have felt more uncertain about my future than ever before — for example, I now have no idea what my plans are after graduation! Yay! Surprise Mom and Dad, I don’t have things figured out. And I am such a planner. Like I’ve had my life mapped out since I was twelve. But I just don’t know what I want anymore, or even what God wants for me. I would love nothing more than to have some reason to move back to Australia. But I just. don’t. know. So I guess that’s where the “trust” part comes in … and I’ve never been too good at that.
In the meantime, however, I am going to have to rejoice in and mourn my time abroad as I relive it through the fresh eyes of the new American students. I don’t know how my heart will handle it.
Welllll that’s enough of the depressing talk tonight.
Until next time.